Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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