I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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