I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
