so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
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