woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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