Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
