i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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