Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
