It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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