Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
