my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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