Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hippo gnu deer
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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