my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
