Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
