just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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