last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
did i walk over a car last night?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
