I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
