apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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