my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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