Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
