Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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