This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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