Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
