I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
