What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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