Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
