I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
