some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
