Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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