come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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