You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
