It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
