He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
