I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
