Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
