Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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