foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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