If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
