ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
