Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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