I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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