I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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