does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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