the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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