The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
