dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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