I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize