Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
