Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
