For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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