i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize