Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
