she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
