You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
